PANTS On A Plane
by I.am.a.poodle
Summary: Set after SITNOP. Masimo forgave Gee the day after she did the twist with Dave.It is now a couple days later.Something unbelievable has happened; Stalag 14 and Foxwood will be going to Hamburger-a-go-go!What will happen when Gee realises she luurves Dave?
1. He actually has a handbag!

**Monday September 18th**

**6.00am**

Was woken up by the lovely sound of Mutti and Vati having an argument. It must be child abuse to wake me up this early. Maybe I could snuggle down into my bed and have a little zizz for a while.

**2 minutes later**

Fat chance. Libby has decided to pay me a visit with all her 'fwends'. I now have Charlie Horse sticking up my bum-oley and Scuba Diving Barbie almost poked my eye out a moment ago.

Oh good, Libbs has a new friend; a mouldy tomato. She keeps calling it Tommy. Maybe I can get her to go back to her own room.

**5 minutes later**

After trying to reason with Libby, and getting scratched on my arm for my trouble, I've given up on going back to sleep. May as well cleanse and tone while I'm up.

I have to have a strict routine now that I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God.

La la la la, my skin will be as gorgey and smooth as a baby's botty. Minus the poo.

**15 minutes later**

Bloody hell, I look so fresh faced and shiny it's scary. I think I will practise my nostril breathing. Ommm. It is vair calming. At this rate I will be so relaxed that I may even be on time for school.

**10 minutes **

Time for make-up, just in case Masimo decides to say "Bonjourno" on the way to school. I must go for the natural look.

Sooo, some foundation, three coats of mascara, bronzer and a tiny bit of eyeliner.

**8.15 am**

Jas is sitting on her wall fiddling with her fringe. How annoying, early morning fringe fiddling. She almost fell off the wall when she saw me.

'You're early.'

'Yes, Jazzy Spazzy, I know. Now let's celebrate with some Viking Disco Inferno!' After a burst of disco dancing we started puffing up the hill, with Jas complaining that the dance messed up her fringe. Rave on, Vole Woman.

I didn't say that out loud because she can be vair violent.

**Five minutes later**

The bushes that we're walking past are rustling suspiciously. I hope it's not the Blunder Boys.

**10 seconds later**

Dave and Tom just leapt out of the bushes. Jas, of course, screamed and then went over to Hunky and was all over him like a rash. I think they were talking about voles or owls or something. Dave sidled up to me and put his arm through mine.

'Good morning Kittykat. I must say your nungas are looking particularly perky this morning.' He is so rudey dudey!

I said with sophisticosity 'Dave, do not talk about my nungas that way.'

'Ah, you know you love it. And besides, how can I help myself when you're such an enticing Sex Kitty?'

It really is hard to have the hump with Dave. I smiled at him and remembered to put my tongue behind my teeth and suck my nose in.

Dave and Tom walked us to the gates of hell (a.k.a Stalag 14) and Dave gave me some number 5 (!) in front of Hawkeye before walking off to Foxwood. Hawkeye lost her rag and barked at me 'Nicolson, setting a bad example for the younger students, take a bad conduct mark and a detention. And get that make-up off.'

The Titches were walking past and said to me 'Cor, Miss,' and winked.

I don't think it is a bad example when I get complimented on it.

**Assembly**

I'm all red because I had to scrub my face in the tarts' wardrobe.

Slim is rambling on about some utter bollocks.

'Disgusting the way you girls roll your skirts up. In my day our skirts dragged along the ground. Disobeying the one-inch-above-the-knee rule will result at burning at the stake, thumb screws, etc.'

Rosie is plaiting her false beard and has started nodding along with what Slim says. The rest of the Ace Gang and me started nodding too.

We were forced to stop when Wet Lindsay came sliming over and threatened us all with a detention.

Slim's still raving on.

'And now, Herr Kaymer would like to share some exciting news with you. I must say, Form 10 A will be most thrilled to hear this' Something that Slim thinks is exciting? Oh god, we'll probably have to join Girl Guides or something. The amazing thing is, Jas would probably think that IS exciting. That is how sad she is.

Herr Kaymer came on the stage with Miss Wilson behind him. Oh what larks, I bet they're getting married. But why would that involve us?

Wait – unless they want us to be bridesmaids. It would probably be a corduroy wedding and we would have to wear knee high socks and knitted jumpers and speak German and –

'Guten morgen girls. Miss Vilson and I have something sehr interesting to tell you. You vill be going to America for a week accompanied by Miss Vilson and myself...'

Wait, what?

Herr Kaymer was drowned out then by our screeching. I could make out Rosie yelling 'HOOOOORRRRNNN!,' Jas babbling to Mabs about the wildlife and Ellen saying to Jools 'Isn't that, like, erm, in, like, America?'

Slim was saying 'Settle girls, settle.'

After a zillion years everyone finally shut up, but Ro-Ro had pulled out her pipe and was sucking on it noisily. Slim's chins were in full wobbling mode when she said the most shocking thing; 'On your upcoming trip, the boys from Foxwood will be joining you. I expect you all to behave maturely.' When she said that she looked at me. When do I not behave maturely around the lads? I'm a vision of maturosity aren't I?

My thoughts were rudely interrupted by the noise that had broken out again. It was absolute pandemonium. One girl actually fainted and had to be fished out of the crowd by Miss Stamp. I bet she was going to take her to her office for some "quiet time".

Rosie had actually gotten so excited that her beard was stuck to Ellen's skirt zipper. Poor Ellen kept getting biffed by the Viking Bride whenever she tried to move. I thought I would die laughing.

**Lunch**

The talk of the school is the trip to Hamburger-a-go-go land. The Ace Gang all ran up to Herr Kaymer and gave him a group hug at the end of assembly.

He was saying 'Veally girls, there is no need to thank me. It vill be fun.'

After that we did some celebratory Viking Disco Inferno for him. I like to think he appreciated it. This is what I like to think.

Anyway, it is vair exciting. Mabs, Jools, Ellen and Rosie are quizzing me and Jas about when we spent time with the Hamburgese. Ellen was raving for all of England.

'So, erm, is it, like, do you?'

I said 'It has to be this decade, really.'

Rosie said 'We must visit Gaylords. We have to ride bucking bronco stools, my chummettes. They have horns.'

I said 'Oo-er.'

Rosie just looked at me then adjusted her beard, took a long suck on her pipe and skipped (yes, skipped) away.

**German**

Painting my nails. I've gone for _Vibrant Plum_. Herr Kaymer is vair unobservant.

Mabs is putting on bronzer and Jools is ironing her hair.

Herr Kaymer is reading about the Kochs. They are, once again, eating spangleferkals. It worries me how many sausages this family eats.

I lifted my hand off the desk.

Herr Kaymer said, 'Ja, Georgia?'

I said, 'Do you think they have Kochs in Hamburger-a-go-go, Herr Kaymer? If they do, do you think they have big Kochs or little Kochs or both, like in the book?'

The class was in an uproar. Rosie looked like she was choking.

The funny thing is that Herr Kaymer didn't know why everyone was laughing.

'Ach, I think not Georgia. I haf not seen any Kochs in America, only Germany.'

Rosie fell off her chair.

**Walking home**

Dave and Tom were waiting outside the gates when we got out. For some reason, I was glad that Masimo wasn't there. I don't know why.

Dave said, 'So ladiez, did you hear? We shall be trekking through the land of panties soon enough.'

I said, 'I know. It will be horrific.'

Hunky said, 'I think it will be a great experience for us to learn about another culture.'

I said, 'There's not much to learn. They just say "howdy" and smile a lot.'

Jas gave me the evils and said, 'This time I might get to see some wildlife. Not like last time, Georgia.'

I put my face really close to hers and said, 'Jas, are you implying that my Vati and Uncle are not wildlife?'

Vair amustant, if I do say so myself. Which I do. Because I am myself.

**20 minutes later**

Just me and Dave now. I told him about the Koch incident and he laughed like a loon on loon tablets. He really has a gorgey laugh. It gives me the horn, actually. Down red bottom!

We're walking with our arms linked. Completely friendly. Because that's what we are. Friends. Just a pair of friends. Who occasionally do more than linksies. By occasionally I mean frequently. And by do more than linksies I mean number 6.

Dave said, 'So, how are you and the Handbag Horse?'

I said, 'Masimo does not carry a handbag. And we are good. No, better than good. We're great.'

'Does he ever lend you his handbag?'

'You know as well as I do that he does _not _have a handbag.'

'We don't know that. He might have one that he uses when you aren't with him.'

'He doesn't.'

'Does.'

'Doesn't.'

'Does.'

'You're mad.'

'No, YOU'RE mad.'

Dave started doing tickly bears. I spluttered and tried to make him stop.

Then, something weird happened.

He stopped tickling me and looked into my eyes. And I looked into his. It wasn't awkward or like when I look into Angus's eyes, it was nice. I couldn't help myself.

I leaned over and snogged him.

He was shocked for a second, but then he put one of his hands on my face and the other one on my waist.

He nip libbled and I sort of moaned. He pushed me up against a tree and we kept snogging.

He moved his lips and snogged my ear. He does ear snogging! It felt really nice and I went all jelloid.

Then, he suddenly stopped. Boo, stop stopping!

He was staring somewhere. I turned around.

Masimo was on his scooter, looking at us. He looked really sad. He turned on his scooter and drove away.

**At home**

I'm full of confusiosity. Snogging Dave felt so right, but I'm with Masimo. Well, I think I am. And the Dave snogging wasn't even a matey snog; it was a deffo phwoar snog. How did this happen? After I've finally got the Italian Stallion I go and snog Dave. Why, why and thrice why would I do that?

In my head I can hear Jas saying, 'Tart.' Shutup, shutup imaginary Jas.

**3 minutes later**

Great, Libbs has come barging into my room with Cross-Eyed Gordy in one hand and Tommy the tomato in the other. She threw Gordy on my bed and climbed in.

'Gingey, Tommy did something naughty.'

'What did he do, Libby?'

'He put Angus in the freezer. Dear, dear. Naughty Tommy.'

Oh bloody hell.

I ran downstairs and saw Vati lolling on the couch eating ice-cream straight from the container. Wearing leather pants. Alone. I wonder where Mutti is.

'Vati, when did you get that ice-cream from the freezer?'

'About five minutes ago, why? What have you done to it?' He looked at me suspiciously.

Why am I suspected of everything around here? It's unfair. I'm a scape-whatsit.

'I have done nothing to it, Vati. But it will do something to you. It will increase the size of your arse.' I said it light-heartedly, but Vati went ballisticisimus.

'DON'T USE THAT SORT OF LANGUAGE IN MY HOUSE! YOU NEED A KICK UP THE ARSE!' That's a bit hypocritical.

I said, 'Ah, but then you would have to get up and, let's face it, if you did that you would a) have to move and b) split your pants trying.' He just mumbled and groaned.

I said, 'Did you see Angus in the freezer?'

Vati said, 'Why would the bloody cat be in the freezer?'

I didn't bother answering and just went over to the freezer and opened it. As soon as I did something covered in ice and fur leapt on my face.

Angus was freezing.

I pried him off my face and put him on the floor. He was shaking from being so cold. I grabbed a blanket from the washing pile and wrapped him in it.

Aww, he looks so sweet and innocent and – 'Ow, you furry freak!' Angus suddenly moved his head forward and bit my nose, so I dropped him.

He hissed at me and jumped out the window.

Vati said from the couch, 'Don't make so much bloody racket all the time.

This is the sort of parenting I have to put up with.

**2 minutes later**

Looking in the mirror. Blimey my nose is red. I think it might be swelling up. I look like a clown.

**1 minute later**

The doorbell is ringing. I wonder who it is. Vati yelled out to me, 'Get that, Georgia!'

Maybe if I pretend to not hear he will answer it.

**10 seconds later**

It's still ringing.

'Georgia, get the door, for Christ sake!'

I went downstairs and opened the door. It was one of our beloved boys in blue. And Mutti.

She was all giggly and holding on to his arm.

What fresh hell?

'Hello ma'am. Is your father at home?'

'Yes, unfortunately. VATI, COME HERE.'

Vati said, 'This better be important.' After a million years of him puffing and groaning he finally came to the door and saw Mutti.

'Bloody hell Connie. Had a bit to drink, has she?'

'A "bit" is an understatement, sir. I found her a few streets away, sitting on the ground talking to a tree. When I tried to pick her up she started hitting me with her handbag and saying, "How dare you interrupt my husband and my alone time, this is a private party". She then proceeded to kiss the tree and call it Bob. You are Bob, I take it?'

Vati's face was vair, vair amusing.

'Er, yes that's me.'

I said, 'How Mutti mistook a tree for you I will never know. Most trees around here are thin.'

Vati said, 'Shut up.'

I very nearly reported him for child abuse right there and then, but I restrained myself.

**30 minutes later**

After Vati apologised for Mutti's behaviour a thousand times and Mutti tried to kiss the officer, the policeman decided to not bother pressing charges for drunk and disorderly. I think it was when Angus jumped from a tree onto his head that he chose to leave.

Vati tried to pick up Mutti but he put his back out. In the end, Mutti stumbled to bed and Vati forced himself to get off the floor and return to the couch.

**5 minutes later**

Now, back to my problems. What do I do about the whole kissing Dave fandago? I know; I shall ring my bestest pally Jas.

**2 minutes later**

I've snuck downstairs and rang, but it went to message bank.

Perfect, just when I need to talk to Jas she decides to not answer the phone.

Who else is there? I can't call Ellen because it will take ten years, Mabs is good but I don't really want to tell her or Jools. That leaves Rosie. No way will I be ringing her. She is too mad and viking-ish. No, no and thrice no.

**1 minute later**

Phoning Rosie.

'Bonjour.'

'Rosie.'

'Oui.'

'It's me.'

'And it's me too.'

'I need your advice.'

'Doesn't everyone?'

'No, they don't, because you are a mad Viking Bride-to-be-in-eighteen-years.'

'That is true. Now hurry up, because I'm knitting a beard. They don't knit themselves you know.'

I heard some scuffling and 'Sven, get off. I can't piggy back you, I'm on the phone.' Then there was squelching noises. Erlack.

I slammed the phone down.

**4 minutes later**

I really don't know why I bothered. Back in my bed of pain now. In Telly-Tubby jimjams. Alone and confused. And possibly Luuurve God-less.

**8.27 pm**

The doorbell is ringing again. What now?

I went downstairs and opened it.

It was Masimo.

Oh my giddy god and I didn't even have any make-up on! And I was in Telly-Tubby pyjamas.

'_Cara_, can we go for a walk?'

'Erm, just a, erm, second.' Oh lovely, I had turned into Ellen.

I raced upstairs and put on jeans and a t-shirt and did quick mascara and lippy. My hair was a mess. I pulled it back into a ponytail and ran downstairs to Vati.

I said, 'Vati, I'm going for a walk.'

He said, 'Be back by eleven.'

I ran back to the door.

Masimo said, 'Let us go to the park.'

**10 minutes later**

Masimo hasn't said anything. We're just walking in silence. I want to say something but I don't know what.

He suddenly turned to me and said '_Cara, _I like you a lot. And you like me, yes?'

I nodded like billi-o.

'But I see you with Dave and I think you like him too.'

For some reason I couldn't get my mouth to move

'So, I think you have to make choice. Me or Dave. You cannot, how you say, see us both.'

He wanted me to choose? Between him and Dave? My brain was telling me to say 'Masimo, Masimo, I pick you!', but something was stopping me.

I said, 'So you're saying that if I pick you I can't be friends with Dave?'

He said, 'Yes.'

I took a deep breath and said, 'Masimo, I'm sorry, but I can't stop being friends with Dave. I can't pick you.'

Why did I say that? What am I thinking?

Masimo said in this bitter voice, 'I knew it. Lindsay was right. You are just a child. I should never have picked you. Your nose is too big.'

I just smiled my full flaring-nostril smile and said, 'At least I don't have a handbag.'

Masimo went sensationally red.

I burst out laughing. 'You actually have a handbag!'

He said, 'I am still too good for you. I should have picked Lindsay over you.'

For some reason that didn't make me sad at all.

I said, 'You're right. You and Lindsay deserve each other. At least Dave has a personality.'

Masimo laughed, but it wasn't friendly. 'We shall see. You will come running back to me. They all do.'

I said, 'You're wrong. I love Dave. Now that I see who you really are I don't even like you. Arrivederci,' and walked away.

**In bed**

I can't believe I said all that. And I can't believe that I'm not even sad. I feel like this massive weight has been lifted off my chest. I am vair proud of myself.

I broke up the Italian Stallion. The Handbag Horse. _I _broke up with _him_.

I don't know why I didn't trust what Dave said about him in the first place.

I can't wait to tell Dave that Masimo actually has a handbag! He will laugh so much at that.

And I can't believe I said I love Dave. Does that mean I want him to be my official snogging partner? Do I actually love him?

I think deep down I've always know the answer to both of those questions.

Yes, of course I do.


	2. She drives a Harley

**Hey everyone! Sorry I didn't have an author's note in the first chapter, but this is my first FanFic so go easy on me. Speaking of which, seeing as this is my first FanFic, any reviews that I get I will listen to and take into consideration, whether they're good or bad. Just give me some pointers on what to do to improve my writing or just say you loved it or even that you hated it; I don't mind!**

**Happy reading,**

**M.B xoxo**

**She drives a Harley**

**Tuesday 19****th**** September**

**6.15am**

Up early again! Lalalalala, I am no longer the girlfriend of the Handbag Horse! I am soooooo unbelievably happy! Time to cleanse and tone for you-know-who!

**2 minutes later**

For the vair dim, you-know-who is, of course, Dave the Laugh. The one that I truly luuurve. Or think I luuurve. Either way, my luuurve is making me happy. Which is the main thing.

**30 seconds later**

What if I don't luurve Dave? What if my brain is secretly trying to stop me from being sad by telling me that I luurve someone else? I think it is sneaky like that.

**1 minute later**

But I don't think I would be this happy. Come to think of it, why am I this happy? Just because I luurve another it doesn't mean I shouldn't be sad. Masimo said that I have a big nose. And that he should be with Wet Lindsay.

Why don't I care?

**2 minutes later**

I think it is because I have realised that Masimo is a twit of the first water. Who wants Miss Octopussy Head. Anyone who wants her is deffo a prat.

**10 seconds later**

But Robbie went out with her. I don't think that he's a twit. I think he just got trapped in her tentacles.

But he doesn't own a handbag! Hahahahaha.

**Jas's wall**

I literally skipped up to Jas. She's looking at me like I'm a loon.

I said, ' _Bonjour mon_ pally. _J'ai des nouvelles merveilleuses !_'

She said, '_Le quel est?_'

'_Je suis une femme libre_.'

'_Non!_'

'Oui.'

'Why?'

'Last night Masimo asked me to go for a walk with him. He told me to choose between him and Dave. I of course, chose the Hornmeister, because I luuurve him.'

Jas looked at me for a moment then let out a little scream and hugged me.

'Gerroff you lezzie!'

'Oh Gee, I'm so proud of you! You finally realised it. Masimo was fabby and everything but Dave and you are just perfect together.'

Huh?

'Wait, so you knew that I luurved him before I did?'

She looked at me blankly for a second and then said, 'We all did.'

'Who's "we"?'

'Mabs, Rosie, Jools, Ellen, Tom, Dec, Ed and even Sven I think.'

What, WHAT? And they never thought to tell me? That's just marvey.

'Jas, did you think that, you know, maybe it would be helpful to tell me? Seeing as it is ABOUT me and my happiness?'

She said, 'Well, you had to figure it out yourself. You wouldn't have believed us.' She really thinks she is Wise Woman of the Forest. She is right, though. I would have laughed if they had tried to tell me.

I said, 'I am going to tell him about the dumping Masimo fandago after school. Then he will dump Emma and everything will be tickety boo.'

'I am sooo excited, Gee.' Then she did something completely shocking; she started spontaneously doing Viking Disco Inferno.

I didn't even join in. That's how shocking it was.

**Lunch**

I've told all of the Ace Gang about what happened last night. They're all amazed that Masimo would say something so mean to me, but they're vair, vair excited that I realised my luurve for Dave. I've been given midget gems and cheesy-wotsits.

Mabs said, 'It's about bloody time.'

Jools said, 'Took you long enough,'

Ellen said, 'That's, like, you know, erm, great Gee.'

And Rosie nodded wisely and said, 'Horns must answer the call of The Right Horn.'

I looked at Ro-Ro. 'What did you just say?'

'Are you going deaf matey? That's never good when there's a prospective snoggee on the horizon.'

I said, 'No, did you say "The Right Horn"?'

She said, 'That I did.'

I said, 'What's The Right Horn?'

She said, 'Just a second,' and went through her bag and pulled out her beard. I worry about her sanity.

When her beard was on she said, 'Well, my naive chummly wummly, The Right Horn is the most important Horn. It is more choosing than The Specific Horn and more powerful than The Cosmic Horn. It conquers all others. When you get The Right Horn you know that you have found your lifelong snog partner.'

I was speechless. Since when was The Viking Bride-to-be wise?

I said, 'But how do you know if you have The Right Horn?'

She said, 'Well _mademoiselle_, you can just tell. You would rather snog them than anyone else, even Orlando Bloom, and to you they are the most gorgey being in the universe.'

'Rosie, that is, without a doubt, the most _wunderbar _advice you have ever given me. It is quite possibly the best advice ANYONE has ever given me.' I looked at Jas meaningfully when I said that.

She immediately got in her huffmobile. 'Gee, I already told you that –'

'Jas, you should have told me. As my bestie pal I expect you to tell me when I'm in luurve with someone. ME, not your stuffed owls.' Jas just 'hmphed' and fiddled with her fringe.

**R.E**

Did you know that they sell clothes made of felt? In bright yellow? Neither did I until today. Miss Wilson is talking about this lad called Samson, who was really fit and strong until his snog partner chopped off his hair in his sleep. I put up my hand like the interested student that I am.

'Yes, Georgia?'

I said, 'Well, Miss, I am, frankly, confuzzled. What is the moral of this story?'

She said, 'Well, it is saying that God works in mysterious ways; ways that most people would not suspect.'

'For instance, by making people strong because of their hair length?'

'Not in most cases Georgia but –'

'So if someone, say... Lindsay, had hair extensions they wouldn't be strong? Because it's not their real hair.'

'No Georgia, that's not what –'

'That explains why she is vair bad at hockey. Thank you Miss Wilson.'

Miss Wilson looked really confused and quickly started reading from another chapter.

Ahh, there are so many comical genius opportunities in R.E.

**The Gates**

The Ace Gang and me did lippy, mascara and rolling skirts before we let the guys see us. I was going hip swing, hip swing, flicky hair, flicky hair, look down, look up, hip swing. I saw Dave leaning on the gate and lost the pattern in my head.

I tripped over Mabs, knocked over Jas and fell on Ellen. Ellen tried to grab onto something and got hold of Rosie's beard. We all ended up in a pile on the ground.

All the guys just stood there laughing at us. What sort of boyfriends are they? Crap ones, that's what.

After they recovered from the shock of us toppling over they came over and helped up their girlfriends. Dave helped me up by grabbing me around the waist. His hand "accidentally" brushed against my nunga. I jumped up like a loon when he did that.

'That was quick. Is there something in your PANTS?'

I said with dignosity 'No Dave, I just, err, realised that if I didn't get up that I would be five seconds late home.' Wow, that may be the stupidest thing I have ever said.

He just looked at me and said, 'You are a loony, Kittykat,' and put his arm through mine.

**4 minutes later**

The Ace Gang keeps dropping hints about me dumping Masimo. If their hints get any more obvious they'll just say it.

**1 minute later**

Dave said, 'Are you and the Flash Italian still GREAT?'

I was just saying, 'Well, actually Dave, I dumped him,' but I only got up to 'Well, actually Dave I –' because Emma suddenly appeared.

She looked at our arms linked for half a second, then quickly grabbed Dave's face (she didn't tear it off; she put her hands on his face) and snogged him. She grabbed him so quickly that his arm got pulled out of mine. I stared at them snogging and just turned around and walked away.

**In bed, blubbing for all of England**

How could I be so stupid? He's with Emma, and probably luurves her. Judging by the snogging their relationship is vair good.

I've been crying for the past hour.

When I walked away the Ace Gang all ran after me and tried to talk to me.

'Gee, come back!' I think Jas said that. I started running and somehow ran all the way home. As soon as I got in I pelted up to my room and slammed the door.

Why would I think that he would pick me over her? Of course they have a PERFECT relationship, because Emma is just so PERFECT, with her PERFECT personality and PERFECT nose.

The phone has been ringing almost non-stop. Thank god Mutti and Vati aren't home; otherwise they'd be having a nervy b. I don't know who's ringing and I don't care. I'm going to stay in bed for the rest of my life, collecting dust bunnies and knitting out of cobwebs. My mascara has run all down my face, but I don't care. No one wants me. I broke up with a Luuurve God for a Laugh God and got rejected in the bin of life. Now I will be alone forever.

**2 minutes later**

Did I really think that Dave would pick me over Emma? Big-nosed Georgia over Friendly Emma? No, of course not.

**3 minutes later**

But Jas said that we are perfect together. I sort of figured that meant that Dave felt the same way about me. Obviously not.

**5 minutes later**

I really do luurve him. I know I do. He makes me laugh and is gorgey and snogs me. If he didn't like me he wouldn't snog me. Maybe I'm only that, though. Maybe I'm just a quick snog to him. He only snogs me to answer the call of The Horn.

**1 minute later**

I'm never leaving this room again. No one's allowed in either.

**10 minutes later**

Someone is knocking at the door. Go away! This is the den of Dust Woman.

**5 minutes later**

Now someone is tapping at my bedroom door.

I said, 'Go away Mutti or Vati. I don't want to talk to you. Leave me in my bed of pain. Alone.' My voice was muffled because my face was pressed into the pillow.

No one answered, but my door creaked open. I felt a weight on my bed when they sat down. They put their arms around me. I very nearly said, 'This is child abuse.'

The arms felt really nice and whoever it was smelt good. I can't be bothered putting my head up.

**20 seconds later**

The person whispered in my ear, 'I'm sorry Kittykat.'

I shot up out of bed and fell on the floor. I looked up and Dave was sitting on my bed looking at me. When I saw his face I couldn't help it. I just started blubbing.

Dave sat down on the floor with and hugged me.

I said, 'You...Emma...me...Jas...owls...snog...Horn...dust...Masimo.' Somehow, Dave understood me.

'Sex Kitty, I want you to know that I ended it with Emma. After you ran away I pushed her off me and asked her what she was doing. She had a spaz attack at me and I asked me what I was doing linksied up to you. Emma and I have been having problems for weeks. She only snogged me because you and I were together. I don't like her at all, Kittykat.'

I looked up at Dave. He ended it with Emma? 'Dave, I dumped Masimo yesterday.'

Dave said, 'Yeah, Jas told me after you left.' Ah, of course. Radio Jas can always be counted on to spread news on her airwaves.

Wait - what if she told Dave that I luuurve him?

I said, 'What did she tell you exactly?'

'Just that you dumped Masimo. She didn't go into the details.' Phew, that would have been vair awkward.

I told Dave everything about me breaking up with Masimo, except the whole admitting to luurve thing. I said that if I stayed Masimo's girlfriend then I couldn't be friends with him anymore, and I couldn't do that.

Dave looked really amazed when I said that. He laughed when he found out The Handbag Horse actually _does _have a handbag, but looked really angry when I told him that he said I had a big nose.

'Kittykat, you are beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, especially someone who is on the turn. That flash prat didn't deserve you.' Then he kissed me really lightly on my forehead. Oh, I luurve him.

**1 hour later**

Dave and I have been talking for the past hour. He is soo nice to me. How I didn't see that I luurve him before I will never know. He is so sweet and gorgey and I just want to snog the PANTS off him. Oo-er. I've been trying to bring up the whole being in luuurve with him thing, but it is vair hard to slip into casual conversation.

**2 minutes later**

'Well Sex Kitty, I'm away laughing on a fast camel. It is almost 6.30 and if I don't get home soon the olds will be likely to throw a spaz attack. At their age they might do their hip in.'

I said, 'I thought you liked hip replacements. Didn't you say Her Maj was your girlfriend?'

He said, 'Gee, I have told you before and I will tell you again. Her MOTHER had her hip replaced. And anyway, you sometimes walk like you have a hip replacement.'

'Dave, that is not walking like I have a hip replacement. It is a part of my Sex Kitty charm. It entices the male species.'

'I can tell you, it doesn't Kittykat. I must be off. Pizza, parents and PANTS await my arrival.' He walked over to my window and leapt out of it. I looked down and saw that he had landed in a bush. On Gordy.

There was a lot of hissing and spitting and scratching involved, and that was just from Dave. By the time he stood up his shirt was almost completely torn to pieces.

**20 seconds later**

Dave is walking down the street doing hip swings! Honestly. I can practically see him counting the moves in his head. When he got to the end of the street he turned around and blew a kiss at me.

He's completely mad.

**1 minute later**

But in a good way. In an 'I'm Jack the Biscuit' way. If anyone else did half of the stuff that he did they would be locked in a loony bin.

**5 minutes later**

It's sort of lonely without Dave. I miss him.

Oh great, I sound like a clingy girlfriend. Nothing more attractive than a girl that clings like a...erm...clingy girlfriend.

**3 minutes later**

I know what to do to stop being all aloney. I'll ring Mrs Vole.

**2 minutes later**

Ringing Jas.

'Hello?'

'It's me.'

'That's good.'

There was silence.

'Jas, it's Gee.'

'I know.'

'Don't you want to know how I am? You were calling for about an hour.'

'No I wasn't. I've been bird watching with Tom. We actually saw a robin feeding its –'

'Jas, I have no interest in robins. They will all be eaten by Angus soon enough. I want to tell you about Dave popping round this afternoon.'

More silence.

'Are you there, Jas?'

There was this weird noise, like someone was turning pages of a book.

I said, 'Jas are you reading about birds?'

'No. I'm reading about caterpillars.'

Oh lord Sandra in a dress; and I thought she couldn't get any worse. How vair wrong I was.

'Jas, action has to be taken against your obsession with wildlife. It is getting ridiculous. Voles and robins I can accept, but caterpillars are a no go zone. Put the book down slowly.'

'Gee, don't be ridiculous. It's educational. Besides, me and Tom are planning on going on a search for caterpillars. We're going to collect them and make a habitat for them and –'

I hung up.

**In my room**

I think I need to get new friends. Mine are far, far too weird.

**1 minute later**

The door just got slammed open downstairs. Swiss Family Mad are home. My door is closed. Maybe they will go and inflict their pain on someone else

**1 minute later**

Mutti just banged my door open. I hope she has not been drinking again.

I said, 'Mutti, please take your un-sober self somewhere else.'

She said, 'Don't be daft, I haven't been drinking.'

'Then why do you look like a loon?'

'We've just been to your Grandad's. He's cheating on Maisie.'

What, WHAT? Since when is Grandvati a ladies' man?

'With who?'

'A lady named Cecilia. She's at the old folks' home.'

'Does she knit socks that are missing toes too?'

'No. She makes leather clothes and drives a Harley.'

Oh PANTS. My family just accomplished something that most people would think is impossible.

They got madder.

**I know this chapter wasn't as funny as the last one, but I just wanted to show how Gee and Dave's relationship is coming along. I'll make everyone a deal. If I get at least one review per chapter I will continue to update. Tell me what you think!**


	3. Author's Note Read People!

**Hey everyone!**

**Don't panic-I'm not stopping this story. I'm just taking a little break. I know, I know; I've only written two chapters, but I'm also writing a story called 'Back To School' .net/s/6128095/1/ which is a Twilight FanFic. It's set about 7 and a half years after Breaking Dawn. It's about the Cullens (including Nessie) and Jacob and Seth going to Forks High School. It talks about their experience there, relationships, etc. Please check it out.**

**I'll update this story when I have time. Remember: I AM NOT STOPPING THIS STORY.**

**M.B xoxo**


	4. Oh No She Di'nt

**HELLO MY FANS! I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Did you miss me? I hope so, because I missed all of you. **

**What really made me want to write was some fab reviews from**_**Dave'n'GeeforEVA. **_**They really inspired me to get writing! So thank you, sincerely.**

**Oh and guys, would you mind checking out my other story? **_**Back To School**_** is a Twilight FanFic and it hasn't been getting the attention I hoped it would. Please review it. Anyways, on with the show!**

**Oh yeah, in case you didn't know, I only own the plot in this charming tale.**

**Oh No She Di'nt**

**Wednesday 20****th**** September**

**5.30 am**

What in the name of PANTS is wrong with me? Why am I awake this early? I probably have bags under my eyes the size of Tommy the Tomato.

**2 minutes later**

Amazingly, I don't. My eyes are all bright and clear. How odd.

**1 minute later**

Maybe it's a side effect of being in luuurve.

**5 minutes later**

How I did not see that I was clearly in luuurve with Dave I will never know. It is so blindingly obvious that a blind person could see it.

**10 minutes later**

It is quite sweet that Dave came over yesterday to comfort me in my bed of pain. None of my pallies thought to do that.

**5 seconds later**

Even Jas.

**10 seconds later**

Especially Jas.

**2 minutes later**

I think Dave felt sort of responsible for my blubbing. It really wasn't his fault though. It was quite clearly Emma's, because she is a cow.

**3 minutes later**

I'm still not sure if Dave luuurves me. I mean, he broke up with Emma and he did come to see me. But maybe he only did that out of...what's the word...

**30 seconds later**

GUILT! Maybe he only did it because he felt guilty. He wouldn't want to be called 'Dave The Guilty'.

**1 minute later**

It's far too early to be thinking of all of this

**Walking to Jas's**

Jas is sitting on her wall reading a book. She hasn't noticed me. I bet it's about caterpillars.

**1 minute later**

I have managed to creep behind Jas and look over her shoulder. I was wrong. It is about fungus.

'Training for the Girl Guides, Jassy?' Jas just about fell off the wall. She immediately went into fringe flicking mode.

'Georgia, do not sneak up on me. That could have resulted in a serious injury and Tom isn't here to treat me with his first aid kit.'

I raised my eyebrows suggestively. 'Oh I _bet _he isn't here to _treat _you with his first aid kit.'

Jas went bright red. 'Gee, don't make childish innuendos. Tom has quite a big first aid kit, full of many useful things that can treat almost any injury.'

I raised my eyebrows higher. 'Quite big and full of many useful things?'

Suddenly a voice said 'Who's talking about me?' and Dave appeared. I smiled so widely that I forgot to reign in my nose. I felt it spread across my face, but I didn't care.

Dave walked up to me and gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear 'Hello gorgeous.'

Awww, how sweet. He really is lovely, even though he speaks about rudey-dudeyness.

Dave and I stopped hugging and I saw Jas staring. Just standing there staring like a staring thing with her mouth wide open. At first I thought she was looking at me, but then I saw she was looking _behind_ me.

I turned around and almost fell over in shock.

Masimo was standing there holding hands with Emma. What fresh hell?

I saw Dave out of the corner of my eye with a mixture of shock and anger on his face. Oh nooo, he didn't still have feelings for Emma did he?

Masimo was looking Dave up and down with a smug look on his face, and Emma was doing the same thing to me.

'Ah, how good it is to see you Georgia and Dave. You know Emma,_ si_?' Masimo said. He didn't sound like it was good to see us. And what did he mean did we know Emma? He knew she was Dave's ex-snogging partner. What an appalling tart she is, moving onto another lad a day after Dave ditched her.

Dave said, 'Yeah, we know Emma. I wish I could say it's good to see you too, but being Jack the Biscuit, I don't lie.' I felt Dave hand grab mine so that we were holding hands too. It made me feel a bit better about the fandago that was happening.

'Wow Dave,' Emma said, 'You really traded up. I would have thought you'd go for someone with a smaller conk.' She looked at my face and smiled meanly.

Jas suddenly stepped forward and said 'Actually Emma, I think it's Masimo who's traded up. I thought he'd go out with someone with bigger...' she looked pointedly at Emma's chest, 'assets.' HAHA! Go Jazzy! Now that I looked at it Emma's nungas were a bit on the small side.

Emma looked really angry, especially when Dave added 'Who can actually snog.' Masimo looked like he didn't really understand what Jas had just said, which was probably true. He wasn't exactly gifted in the English-speaking department.

Emma's expression changed, and she let go of Masimo's hand. She walked slowly over to Dave and said in what she obviously thought (wrongly) was a sexy voice 'C'mon Dave, you love snogging me. I don't know what you're doing with her when you could have so much more.' She started to run her fingers down his chest before practically attacking his mouth with hers. Dave sort of froze and looked like he wanted to throw up.

All I could think was 'Oh no she di'nt', like some American movie, and before I knew what I was doing I had tackled Emma and was rolling on the ground with her, biffing her.

She was screeching and trying to beat me away with her hands, but I ignored her. Stupid Emma, with her stupid, fake nice act and stupid tartiness.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and pull me off Emma. I tried to get away but Hunky's voice said to me 'Gee, stop it.' I stopped moving and gave Emma my worst look.

'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER! She's crazy!' Emma screamed. Tee hee, her hair was all messy and her clothes were dirty. Oh what larks.

After Emma complaining for a million years and Masimo mumbling in Italian they left.

Hunky let go of me but I didn't move. It was like I was frozen. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. It seemed funny at first, but now that I thought about it I realised I'd acted like a complete loony. Dave probably didn't want to talk to me now.

Jas walked in front of me and stood there looking at me for a moment. I looked back.

Soon it felt like I was looking at Angus.

Finally she said 'That was a bit out of character for you, Gee. But she deserved it. She was being a complete and utter cow.' That got my attention. Jassy, the girly swot, thinking that physical violence was right? What had the world come to?

Dave said from behind me 'That was the best thing I've seen since Melanie Griffiths juggled oranges. I wish I had a camera with me, but the lads will have to do with a _very_ detailed description. Your nungas looked marvellous in that performance. Good on you, Kittycat.' I turned around and couldn't help but smile at Dave's face. He looked impressed.

'Still, don't make a habit of it. I don't want to have to visit you in prison when you're all covered in tattoos and have more chins than Slim. I have a reputation to uphold, and that means having a girlfriend that doesn't look like a transvestite.' He smiled at me and put his arm around my waist.

Did he just say 'girlfriend'?

Hunky said 'Oh I hadn't heard. Are you two together finally?'

Dave said '_Ja, ja_. If that's alright with the missus.' He looked at me sort of nervously. I couldn't speak, so I just nodded. He grinned a really gorgey grin and yelled out 'Spread the word that the Hornmeister is officially taken! Give free tissues to the ladeez of the world so they can dry their eyes.' Jas screamed and smothered me. I tried to beat her off, but she is very strong for a fringey nitwit.

'Oh Gee, this is wonderful. We're already so late for school, why don't we just hang out around the town today?' I couldn't believe it. Jas condoning violence AND suggesting we ditch school in the same hour?

I said 'Jas are you feeling alright? You are being very un-Jasish.'

'It's just so amazing that you two are finally together, I think we should celebrate.' She did have a point. Hunky, Dave and I agreed but Dave said 'Ok, but we need to break out the Ace Gang and the lads. It won't be a proper celebration without them.'

**Hiding behind the bushes outside Stalag 14**

This is very uncomfortable. The bushes are quite prickly and Jas's foot is almost up my bum-oley.

'Ok,' Dave said, 'we need someone trust-worthy inside to tell them to come out.' We sat thinking for a moment before it suddenly hit me.

'The Titches! They are practically in luurve with you Dave, they would do anything you say. All we have to do is get them over here without being noticed by Elvis.' I nodded towards Pervy's hut. We could see him through the window. He would light a match and throw it at the dummy he had in there and when it caught on fire he would jump around madly yelling and squirting his fire extinguisher thing everywhere.

Hunky said 'We just need a distraction. Something that will attract his attention elsewhere.' 'I'll do it,' Dave said. 'Gee, take off your skirt.' I gave him my worst look.

'Dave, I will do no such thing. I'm not a common tart –'

'Give me your skirt and I will give you my pants. Go behind those other bushes over there and I'll throw my pants at you and you throw your skirt at me.' I looked at Jas 'n' Tom for help but they just nodded at me.

**2 minutes later**

I am behind a bush taking off my skirt while sticks poke my legs.

When I finally got my skirt off I threw it over at Dave. A moment late his pants flew through the air and landed on my head. I put them on and came out from behind the bush. I had to hold them up they were so big.

Dave was sitting between Jas and Hunky, who both had their backs to him. My skirt looked extremely tight and short on him.

'Dave, I hope you are not on the turn.' He just winked at me and walked out from behind the bushes and into Stalag 14 doing hip swings.

This will not end well.

Dave called out 'Yoo hoo' in a really high pitched voice. Elvis came perving out of his hut to see who made the noise and when he saw Dave he just about had a spaz attack.

'What do you think you're bloody doing young lady? Get back into class this instant and roll your bloody skirt down.' I couldn't believe it. Elvis thought Dave was a girl.

Dave stood was standing on the spot doing hip swings and blowing kisses at Elvis, so Elvis huffed and puffed and moved closer. Then he stopped moving all together.

He squinted at Dave and then his eyes widened. He started spluttering and dithering.

Dave walked over to him and said 'Hello Mr Elvis, sir. I'm Jack the Biscuit and I just wanted to ask you a question; does my bottom look big in this?' And then he bent over and mooned him.

**20 seconds later**

Dave is being chased across the hockey pitch by Elvis. He occasionally shouts out something like 'Run Forest, run' or 'Why Mr Elvis, I do declare, no one has ever tried to serenade me like this before'. It is vair, vair hilarious. I could barely stop laughing enough to run into the school with Jas to find the titches.

**1 minute later**

Aha! The Titches are in German, so it shouldn't be so hard to get their attention.

I called over Jas and we crouched outside the window. I picked up a piece of paper off the ground and made an airplane out of it. I peeked over the windowsill and with my fantastic throwing skills, I threw it straight into one of the Titches heads. She looked over to the window and saw me and her face went all bright and cheerful. She whispered something to the other Titch too and then they both looked at me.

I motioned for them to come over.

One of them put up their hand and said 'Herr Kaymer, we have to go to the loo. We'll be on the lookout for _Kochs_.' The class, of course, was hysterical, but he just kept saying 'Vat is so funny? The _Kochs _go to ze bathroom too, you know.' I must say, I grow more and more proud of the Titches all the time.

**2 minutes later**

The Titches ran out to meet us. We'd moved to behind a tree so there was less chance of being spotted by Hawkeye and the Hitler Youth.

I could still hear Dave in the distance singing 'The hills are alive with the sound of PANTS. With PANTS I have worn, for a thousand years.'

'What do you need Miss?' One of them asked. They are incredibly ginger.

'Do you know where the Ace Gang is?' The Titches nodded. 'We need you to find them and tell them to come out and meet us, without being spotted by Hitler Youth, Hawkeye or Slim. Can you do that?' They nodded seriously and one of them pulled a class schedule out of their pockets.

'They're in RE, Miss. We'll be right back.' They saluted and ran away.

I said to Jas 'They're very helpful little tykes aren't they? Like miniature, ginger Labradors.'

Jas said 'I just hope they don't get caught and that Dave can distract Mr Attwood long enough.'

**3 minutes later**

Still waiting for the Ace Gang to come out. If Wet Lindsay stops them I may have to strangle her with her extensions.

**5 minutes later**

Success! They have come waddling over.

I do quite literally mean waddling. They appear to have put on at least a thousand pounds since yesterday.

When they got closer I saw that it was because they had something stuffed under their jumpers.

I said 'What in the name of God's almighty undercrackers do you have under your jumpers?'

They all unbuttoned their coats and a trillion sweets fell out.

How hungry can they get?

Rosie said 'Miss Octopussy-head was baking for Slim, and since she has twenty chins already we decided she didn't need them.' Ro-Ro picked up a biscuit and munched on it.

Jas said 'Why would Lindsay bake for Slim? That's a bit desperado, isn't it?'

Mabs said 'Because she's a suck up who needs to mysteriously go missing.'

Ellen said 'Why, erm...I mean why weren't you, like, er-'

I said 'We weren't at school this morning because we were...busy. But we're here to break you out. We're going in town with the lads.'

At the mention of the male-species all of the gang went into dither mode.

'But I don't have any make-up on.'

'My hair looks like a bird's nest.'

'Why do you have pants on?'

'But, erm, you know, like, yeah.'

Jas said 'We're going in town to celebrate Dave and Gee finally officially getting together.' Everyone went quiet for a minute and then I was deafened by screeches. Somehow it turned into a 'For she's a jolly good fellow' moment and they were all patting me on the back and shoving cakes at me.

I was so distracted that I didn't notice Dave and the others appear until it was too late.

Sven shouted 'Oh ja!' and swung me over his shoulder while he somehow managed to eat Rosie's face at the same time.

I forgot to hold onto my (well, Dave's) pants and before I knew it they had fallen down to my ankles.

I didn't think I could move so fast, but somehow I was on my feet holding my pants up. Dave and the others looked moderately surprised at seeing my knickers, but then they were distracted by the free snacks.

**1 minute later**

Jas said 'What happened to Mr Attwood?'

Dave said 'Oh, he chased me to the park and then he fell in a ditch. No one can catch the Hornmeister.'

**30 seconds later**

All the lads are chasing Dave to see if they can catch him.

**1 minute later**

They've tackled him and are laying on him.

Rosie shouted out 'Dog pile!' and dragged us all over and threw us on as well.

She is vair strong.

**In town (wearing a skirt)**

Life is a _magnifique _thing. Holding Dave's hand feels so right. Every now and then he'll kiss me on the cheek or put his arm around my waist or some other sweet thing. He is soo cute.

**10 minutes later**

An elderly shop assistant got all shifty when we all trooped in wearing our Horns and Rosie wearing a beard.

Rosie shouted out 'VIKING DISCO INFERNO!' and we started dancing. When we called out 'HOOOORRRNNNN!' Sven lifted the shop assistant up and kissed her on the mouth. She screamed and ran out of the shop saying something about 'This being the last straw' and 'Going on a pension'. Ah well.

**15 minutes later**

We're drinking coffee in Luigi's and avoiding the foam moustache.

Jools said 'We're going all going to boots. Do you two want to come?' I looked at Dave.

He said 'Nah, we'll stay here. Gee isn't finished her coffee yet.'

The others left and it was just Dave and me.

He put his arm around my shoulders and said 'Thank PANTS that you decided to dump that tosser the Handbag Horse.'

I said 'And thank God you decided to dump Cheerful-Emma.' He smiled his gorgey smile at me and said 'Only for you Gee,' and kissed me on the mouth really gently.

Oh, I love him.

**A happy ending to the chapter. Isn't that nice? I hope this chapter was worth the wait, it's been my favourite to write so far. **

**I don't know if I can update regularly, but I'll try to as much as I can.**

**Don't forget to review and take a look at **_**Back To School**_**.**

**M.B XoXo**


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